Go-to-Gay: The "tricks" vs. the treats

Today our Go-to-Gay, Keith Stewart, is here to get us into a Halloween mood by telling us what he hopes to see in his trick-or-treat bag and what he'll be re-distributing to fellow trick-or-treaters. (Admit it...we all "re-gift" the candies we don't like.)





The Candy Man

Halloween season is here. Finally. It is the celebration that really kicks off the Holiday Season. We get the ball rolling with scary stories, dressing up in costumes, and eating tons of candy. How could one improve on that? It is just about perfect.

However, you have be careful. As adults, we can’t just blow our entire caloric budget on any willy-nilly piece of trick-or-treat candy. I mean, a few careless bite-sized Baby Ruth’s and you have filled up on nothing but a minor-league, not-ready-for-prime-time piece of candy.

Don’t worry, I am not going to start harping on nutritional value. I hate those people who post pictures of how many minutes of exercise you must do in order to burn off each fun-sized chocolate bar. “Fun-sized calories don’t count, Karen. It’s Halloween. Look it up.”

Instead, I am going to rank my favorite and least favorite Halloween candy for you. That way, if you are unsure what to splurge on this year, you can check the list and see if what you are about to gorge on is worthy or not. Let’s get started.

KEITH'S LEAST FAVORITE HALLOWEEN CANDY

Candy Corn

Why is this still a thing? No. Just no. Never have I seen anyone sit down and eat a bag of this, and if I ever do, I think I will gouge my eyes out.

Whoppers

In my opinion, malted milk balls are made by the Devil. It is a cruel joke he plays on people, luring them in with the promise of a chocolate candy. Then, he smacks them in the face with the taste of crap and texture of chalk. NOT TODAY, DEVIL, NOT TODAY.

Jelly Beans

Look, I get it. I do. Jelly beans are good, and they have their place in the candy world. JUST NOT AT HALLOWEEN. There is nothing more disappointing to a trick-or-treater than seeing a baggie of these dropped into their goodie bag.

Circus Peanuts

I don’t know why I am still having to talk about these things, but they are still being sold, so here we are. They are so, so, so bad. They even look disgusting. If you find one of these in your trick-or-treat bag, you have been tricked. Big time.

Any Off-Brand, No Label, Wrapped in Foil Candy

These candies always taste like the leftovers from the candy factory. They have an artificial flavor, and usually have random bits and pieces of dirt and grime clinging to the foil. Always a disappointment to see this handed out on Halloween. Always.

Honorable Mentions in Least Favorites: Smarties, Tootsie Rolls, Dum-Dum Suckers

KEITH’S FAVORITE HALLOWEEN CANDY

First off, let me say that I am not selecting the big boys of candy in my favorites. Snickers, Hershey’s, Reese’s, Three Musketeers. We all love them. They are always a favorite, but I wanted to pick some of my favorites that were not so popular.

Peanut Butter Chews

Courtesy of Grocery.com

I love these! I don’t even think they have a real brand name of any sort. The only time you can find them is Halloween, which makes them even more valuable. If you are a fan of peanut butter, this is your chew candy.

Bit-O-Honey

Oh, Bit-O-Honey, how much do I love, thee? Let me count the ways: 1. You taste like no other candy out there. 2. Chewy, but not sticky enough to pull out my teeth. 3. Honey. What else needs said?

Anything Homemade

Popcorn balls, candy apples, caramel apples, Rice Krispy treats. Any of the old-time treats that used to be given out during Halloween are heaven sent. You just can’t get any better than that.

Honorable Mentions in Favorites: Nerds, Sweet Tarts, Twizzlers

I hope this helps you navigate the tricky waters of Halloween binge eating. Do you agree with the list? Disagree? Let me know!

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His blog is www.astrongmanscupoftea.com. You can find him on Twitter at @Shiglyogly and Facebook at @AMSCOT (A Strong Man’s Cup of Tea). He is a regular contributor to HumorOutcasts.com and the GoodMenProject.com. He lives with his husband, Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.