Go-to-Gay AND Chick Lit Cheerleader: Happy trails to you

Keith and Jen are back this month to share their travel expertise with everyone. If you've finished your traveling for the summer, perhaps this will be useful for future trips. If you haven't gone anywhere yet, here are some good tips to start you on your dream vacation!

The Only Travel Guide You Need

Go. Go forth and see all the things.....

From Sharensplit

J: Vacation is calling and asking you to stop by, sit a spell, and bring home a suitcase filled with memories—or collector spoons—who are we to judge? It’s a good time for seasoned travelers to dispense wisdom to those hitting the open road and flying the tiny seats and rows skies this summer. Instead, you lucky ducks are getting top-notch travel insights from us.

K: Travel insights from us are better than a professional traveler, anyway. I mean, what are they going to tell you? Pack travel-size toiletries and take your shoes off when going through airport security? Peeshaw, we all know that stuff. We are here to give you the real down-and-dirty on how to travel like, well, us.

Gone Girl 
J: That friend. The one who’s always going, doing and traveling here, there and everywhere. I’m curious. Is her name Felicia? Because people seem to say goodbye to her all the time. Seriously, all. the. time!
K: Don’t try to compete with girl. YOU WILL NOT WIN. She has enough frequent flier miles to jet off to Aspen or Tokyo or Dayton without thinking twice. And if I am being catty, which I am, she probably has no close friends or family. That is why she is always traveling. Just “Heart” her Insta pics and be done.

The Budget
J: You’re thoughtfully considering whether or not you can afford that trip to Greece while making a deposit at the bank, and you swear you heard the teller, under his breath, say, “Honey, you can’t even afford to walk back to your car.”
K: Jen, have you been following me to the bank? I don’t let things like budgets get in the way of a good trip. You are only in Minneapolis once, right? You MUST splurge and go to the Spam museum.

Travel Light 
J: While packing, be sure to include that dress. The one with price tags still attached that’s been hanging in your closet since 2016. This time, you’ll wear it. Oh, and don’t forget the matching pumps! The pinchy ones that have only been on your feet when you tried them on at the department store. Those make great hiking shoes.
K: And while you are at it, go ahead and throw in enough underwear and socks to last you the remainder of 2019. You never know. You never know.

TSA Screening 
 J: When the metal detectors sing out that you left something in your pocket and you’re the recipient of an extra-special pat down, now is the time to give a shout out to the culprit: your Buns of Steel!
K: And if you are lucky, the TSA Agent won’t be rude, and will be pretty. Also, don’t announce you have Buns of Steel because then everyone in the area will be staring at your rump the rest of your time in the security area.

Nothing but love for Tamilee Webb!

[Aggressively speaks in a Scottish accent]
If that's not a pure mess... (Courtesy of Tumblr)

Rock Your Accent 
K: This is mine alone. Jen doesn’t have an accent that others deem hard to understand. Oh sure, plenty people find a Southern drawl cute, sometimes sexy, but just wait until you are in Chicago, New York, or Gettysburg and try to order a cup of ice at a restaurant or ask a clerk in Boise for pen. It is as if I am speaking a different language. It used to frustrate me so much I would change my accent and use a “Yankee” inflection, but then I got old and crabby and decided it was not worth it. It was their problem if they couldn’t understand my sweet, sweet drawl. So, my advice is to go full force with whatever accent you have. It is beautiful and who you are. The whole point of traveling is to experience new people and things. You may as well expose the locals to something different as well.

Hopefully, these tips will help you at least think about your next trip or start your planning something fun. Let us know where you have been this summer or where you are heading in the near future. We live through you!

Buen Viaje! Buon Viaggio! Bon Voyage! Have a Great Trip!

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His blog is www.astrongmanscupoftea.com. You can find him on Twitter at @Shiglyogly and Facebook at @AMSCOT (A Strong Man’s Cup of Tea). He is a regular contributor to HumorOutcasts.com and the GoodMenProject.com. He lives with his husband, Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.