Chick Lit Cheerleader: Meat Candy

"Sporting" the best kind of ring
(not that I'm biased)

Introduction by Melissa Amster

Funny story #1...when Jen first sent me her post for this month's food theme, it never arrived to my inbox. She re-sent it to another account and it showed up there. So when I found out the topic, I told her the Kosher filter on my personal e-mail account must have caught it and thrown it out. 

Funny story #2...not long after receiving Jen's post, I was out shopping and saw a shirt that said "Bacon is Meat Candy." What are the odds? I never heard it called that before and it just sounded weird. Now I can't stop thinking about the combination of meat and candy.

This is not the shirt I saw,
but so funny, right?

Today, Chick-Lit-Cheerleader Jen Tucker is back (did you miss her?) to bring home the bacon! Let's give it up for Jen! (And I don't mean give up bacon, unless you plan to keep Kosher...)

Bacon is Good for Me!

I loved watching Wife Swap when it originally aired on ABC.

Reason #1 – Each episode made me feel immensely competent when it came to my parenting skills. My children understood this truth each time a new mom moved in and took charge of her surrogate family for a tumultuous week of reality television. “Think about how lucky you guys are to have me as your mom. I could be making you take thirty-second showers and drink wheat grass at every meal!” I’d smugly announce each time they’d moan about unloading the dishwasher.

Reason #2 – I was introduced to Curtis. If you haven’t met Curtis before, now is your chance and you won’t regret it!  

Curtis is my people for one simple reason. Bacon tops my food pyramid too, and if anyone—anyone—discarded a full package of thick-cut, Applewood smoked bacon in my presence there would be anarchy. That’s not cool. Not cool at all. Because I love bacon even though bacon no longer loves me on the same level.

Bacon’s treachery to our committed relationship began about a year ago. Before that we had an understanding. I devoured bacon anytime I wished, and, in return, bacon fulfilled its destiny by making me sublimely happy. A win-win relationship. If I were to show a mouthwatering BLT today who’s boss; the plump tomato, rich mayonnaise, perfectly toasted gluten free bread, unimportant lettuce, and the pork product star of the dish, my joints would ache, feet swell—basically, I’d be miserable. Why, you ask? Because getting old is not for wimps and that includes having high blood pressure and being told to stay away from too much salt. Ugh…being a grownup sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

I know you've got some
bacon in there! Open up!

Then there’s the things we do all in the name of good health to live longer and feel better. Like eat grilled seaweed and flambéed tree bark. Perhaps even swill down a glass of wheat grass to start the day—right now, poor Curtis is somewhere losing his mind and plugging his ears. My “younger me” is right there with him. Somewhere buried deep inside me is the college girl who drank a Diet Coke on the way to her 7:30 AM class, popped the second can open during lecture, then hit up the vending machine for her third while booking it across campus. I rarely drink soda anymore and never choose the diet variety. I drink club soda with a wedge of lime—it’s like my grandma is living a second life through me when I admit this to you.

I’m not saying bacon can’t pair nicely with wheat grass or be chased with a Diet Coke. In my case, however, my body has declared it to be so by swelling up like Violet Beauregard the moment anything salty, sugary sweet, or ohmigod-so-goooooooood greasy deliciousness passes my swallow reflex. This is what 47-years on the planet looks like, friends.

The funny thing is that the longer I go without eating extremely salty or sugar-infused foods, I don’t miss them; crave them. I watch my husband down a family-sized bag of Fritos or my daughter polish off a triple-scoop mint chocolate chip ice cream cone and don’t drool. Yet when I want something, like a slab of bacon, I don’t deny myself. Because life is too short to always turn down nitrates and processed meat, isn’t it? Yet I don’t want my days to be any shorter than they need to be because I was not a good listener when my healthcare provider told me to shut-er-down in sodium department. Some days I eat like a hamster. Other days I writhe in pain because I chose the margarita on the rocks with salt then moan and whine. So, there you have it. The current great compromise of my life. The one my little friend Curtis just couldn’t make when it came to cheese in a can and our beloved bacon. And I find no fault with him. Because if we do not stand up and fight for our bacon rights, who will?  

Jen Tucker is the author of the funny and true stories, The Day I Wore My Panties Inside Out and The Day I Lost My Shaker of Salt. In September 2012, she had her children's book, Little Pumpkin published as an e-book. She also blogs monthly for Survival for Blondes. She currently lives in Indiana with her husband, three kids and two dogs. You can find her at Twitter, Facebook, her blog and on her website. And in case you missed them. check out her previous Chick Lit Cheerleader posts here.