Go-To-Gay: Shop 'til you drop!

We're so glad to have our Go-To-Gay, Keith Stewart, back this month. He took some time off from CLC in May, but definitely made up for it with a fabulous post that needs no introduction.

Stay tuned for August, when Keith and our Chick Lit Cheerleader, Jen Tucker, pair up on a post.

I CAME. I SAW. I SHOPPED.

I have a love-hate relationship with shopping. I still abide by the tried and true maxims, “Shopping is cheaper than therapy,” and “Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life,” but as I aged over the years, I also fattened up and lazied out, dulling my shopping habits a bit. I no longer allow myself to buy expensive designer brands of clothes because, obviously, I am not going to be wearing this massive size two months from now when Weight Watchers finally kicks in on my body (also, why in Hell do they make size 40-waist pants in SLIM FIT?! If you wear that size, nothing is going to fit you slimly. YOU AREN’T FOOLING ANY ONE, RALPH LAUREN).

I have never been a bargain shopper. You will never find me at a Black Friday sale. I did that one time only, and as I stood my ground in the electronics section of Wal-Mart in Douglas, Georgia, protecting my place in line against an angry mob of heathens who had waited until 4:00 AM to come out for a deal instead of 3:30 AM like us sane folk (as if you can hope for a 40-inch, off-brand, LED television for $99 after 3:30 AM), I swore to God above if she just got me through this anarchy with all my fingers and toes intact, I would never attempt to shop on Thanksgiving weekend. I kept my word. In fact, I don’t think I even have been back inside the Wal-Mart in Douglas, Georgia since that fateful day.

The only time I really lost control while shopping was my first experience in a DSW Shoe Warehouse. My husband was attending a conference in San Francisco, and I tagged along for fun. We soon discovered that San Fran is a SHOPPING MECCA for men, for obvious reasons. Our guard was already down by the multiple floors of men’s clothes in the downtown Macy’s, Saks, and other department stores, but when we happened into the DSW Shoe Warehouse, WE LOST OUR FREAKING MINDS. Men’s shoes as far as the eye could see called our name. Designer shoes. On Clearance. Even a percentage off the clearance price. All sense and sensibility went out the window then and there. Andy and I ended up having to buy an extra bag to pack our fourteen pairs of shoes (seven each) in so we could get them home to Florida.

I occasionally still get excited at the thought of shopping. In fact, just last week I had two big shopping-related events. First, I went to Houston to visit my best friend, and I am not sure how many of you know this, but Dillard’s Department Stores sends all of the leftover clothes that have already been placed on sale and put on clearance in your local store to Houston to a humongous facility I like to call the Dillard’s Dump. The store is crammed with clothes at rock-bottom prices. We are talking prices so cheap, I will allow myself to purchase expensive brands even at my current pre-Weight-Watchers-kicking-in size. In fact, I bought $563.50 worth of clothes for a mere $72.00. I’m telling you, it’s worth a trip to Houston just to shop there.

The second shopping event of last week truly explains where I am in my life. Amazon Prime Day had me on edge the entire time I was in Houston. I didn’t really need anything in particular, but the news outlets kept touting it, calling it Christmas in July, which eventually led me to begin thinking of it as a loophole in my deal with God not to shop on Black Friday. As Prime day went on, I saw nothing that struck my fancy, until around 9:00 PM. Then it finally happened. I saw it. The item I’d secretly coveted for a while. The Squatty Potty. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?! It is something every middle-aged person should own. I was so excited about finding it for half-price, I not only bought myself one, but also one for my parents and one for my sister. Overall, the items I purchased on Prime Day were as follows:
• 3 Squatty Potties (50% off)
• 1 CPAP Replacement Mask (33% off)
• 1 My Pillow (40% off)
• 2 Orthopedic shoe insoles (25%)



As I said, I think that clearly tells everyone where currently I am in life.
Shopping can be therapeutic or it can be gut-wrenching (and gut-wrenching is another reason you need a Squatty Potty in your life). Either way, I hope when you do decide to go, you find the best deals out there. In fact, if you want to share some places you’ve found something cool for a great price, help your Go-To-Gay out and list it in the comments below. And always remember, when in doubt, go shop.

Keith Stewart is the author of Bernadette Peters Hates Me – True Tales of a Delusional Man. A native of Appalachia, he splits his time between his hometown of Hyden and nearby Lexington, Kentucky. His blog is www.astrongmanscupoftea.com. You can find him on Twitter at @Shiglyogly and Facebook at @AMSCOT (A Strong Man’s Cup of Tea). He is a regular contributor to HumorOutcasts.com and the GoodMenProject.com. He lives with his husband, Andy, and their two dogs, Duke and Dudley.