We've been running a column series to get more personal with our readers. We are now starting our seventh year!
This month, we are talking about the mental load that mothers carry, inspired by an article from USA Today. Since we are both moms, we have a lot to say on this topic. If this doesn't apply to you, perhaps you know someone to pass it along to. We'd love to hear your thoughts though. Feel free to share in the comments!
We're always open to topic suggestions, so please don't hesitate to share those in the comments. We'd also love to know if you can relate to anything we've said or hear your own thoughts on the topic. So don't be shy. 😊 We look forward to getting to know you as much as we're letting you get to know us. You can find our previous columns here, in case you missed them.
Melissa Amster:This past weekend, I took my daughter to see a production of the musical Working. One of the songs is "Just a Housewife." I used to listen to the cast recording all the time when I was younger and didn't think much of this song. Listening to it as an adult is actually really emotional. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! The woman is singing about all the stuff she does around the house along with raising children, and how she still feels devalued for it.
I am a work-at-home mom, but because I have a more flexible job, I end up doing a lot of the chores and errands as a result. Sometimes, I'm just so unmotivated to do these things that I end up trying to delegate the chores and errands or finding a way to bundle it up into one trip so I don't have to go out as much. Although my kids are teenagers now and only two are still at home the majority of the time, I'm usually the one they come to when they need stuff. My younger son is capable of cooking for himself and yet he was trying to get me to make him lunch last week when I was dealing with a cold and in the middle of getting some work done. My daughter can't drive yet, so I'm expected to play chauffeur. I also have to manage her schedule as she always has a lot going on.
Thankfully, my husband does help with certain things, so I'm not bearing the entire mental load. I definitely appreciate that! However, he gets annoyed because I can't just drop everything and go on a mini-vacation during the school year.
I wanted to share some book recommendations related to this topic:
1. Maybe Next Time by Cesca Major (reviewed here). It's all about a working mother who is juggling way too much.
2. Moms Love Boy Bands by Jenifer Goldin (reviewing in March, but featured on my Bookstagram). It addresses this topic in a couple of ways.
3. The Life Makeover Club by Juliet Madison (reviewed here). It features a mom of young children who is overwhelmed.
4. Be Your Own Bestie by Misha Brown. This book just came out and I am listening to it (rare audiobook exception for me). Right away, he's talking about a mom carrying the mental load for her family. He has tips for women (and men) in all phases of life. Part of the focus is setting boundaries.
I also want to recommend the 2025 Christmas movie Oh. What. Fun. as it speaks volumes about how much moms do and how little it is noticed. I actually cried at one part of this movie too.
Something funny before I turn this over to Sara. A friend sent me this little video today and it was just so fitting with our topic!
Sara Steven:My husband gave me the nickname “Mama Rock” several years ago when I was a stay-at-home parent. He said it was because I could do it all.
I’d seen the article mentioned above and it reminded me of my old moniker; my husband hasn’t called me Mama Rock in a very long time, and my kids would have no clue about the nickname, either, but I imagine a lot of us mothers can identify with that. Feeling like there’s nothing we can’t (or won’t) do.
I’ve seen many sides of the mom coin. The stay-at-home parent. The part-time working parent, and the full-time working parent. And none of it, none of it is easy. I constantly feel like I’m juggling all sorts of plates in the air, trying desperately to keep them spinning on thin-bare sticks while fighting to find some space for myself, too. I foolishly figured that the older my children would get, the easier it would get, but that hasn’t been the case. I’m always thinking and planning three steps ahead with a young adult and a teenager.
Much like the article addresses, I facilitate a lot around my household. I’m the appointment maker, the errand runner, the gift planner, the meal planning extraordinaire, the gardener, the cleaning crew, the organizer, the chauffeur, and I’m not complaining. I’m really not. My husband is a great help to me and when I delegate something, he’s willing to take to-do items off my list, but it’s the fact that I’m the one who runs the household and think to do it in the first place. It’s not on his radar, because it never had to be. It was a role I gladly stepped into, but there are times it can feel like it’s a lot.
When something is missing, I’m the first point of contact. If a food item can’t be located in the fridge, all heads turn to look at Mama Rock. My kids come to me when there’s an injury that needs healed or an item needs fixed. I love how the article addresses high parenting expectations, because I do feel that sometimes, from the generations that had come before me. When it was expected that the mother instinctively would always know what to do and the expectation was that she’d set aside everything in her life for her family, often putting herself last on the priority list. Even now, if a woman even thinks of doing something for herself, she might be deemed as “selfish” or “unmotherly.” Where is the healthy balance?
Right now, I’m trying to teach myself to delegate more with my children. It’s not something they’ve been used to. My husband and I joke about how our kitchen most mornings looks like a scene from the TV show Crime Scene Kitchen. Have you ever heard of it? Pairs of bakers try to decipher what was made in a kitchen, to try to replicate the dish, and for us, we try to figure out what our kids cooked at night after we’ve gone to bed. There are plates and bowls everywhere. Crusty utensils. Dried food and melted cheese. I want the plates and bowls and utensils placed in the dishwasher–and the dried food and melted cheese wiped off and cleaned up. But that means having a sit down with my pair of crime scene kitchen cookers to teach them better kitchen manners. Is it possible? Can it be done? It sounds easy in theory. But reality isn’t always so simple.
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| Courtesy of IMDb |
I appreciated that the article addresses that fathers are starting to feel the pressure too, because my husband did when I went back to work full-time. He juggled a high-stress project at work while also having to deal with household needs that he was used to relying on me to take care of. And with a kid who’s in sports and has orthodontic needs, that included drop off and pick ups and appointments, which thankfully he could swing due to his remote job. But I had to let some other things go, like the tasks I was used to taking care of while I was at home.
Recently, I’ve gone back to working part-time after finally figuring out that it is what works best for our family and for me, and I think my husband has a newfound appreciation for a lot of what I contributed and I also feel that appreciation for him as well. I think what helps us get through the stressful mental load is communication and a lot of humor. A lot of humor.
What are your thoughts on moms' mental load?
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